If Fish Are Friends, Can I Be Your Lover?
by KillerMay
Summary: Chicken farms, cows, and sunsets. In which true beauty is found in a dinner conversation between Tamaki and Kyoya. TamakixKyoya, CRACK.


In the great fields of England, there lies a castle. Bought from the power of two ridiculously rich _lovers_, the land was cared for by one French maid, an old butler (named Charles), and a cow. This cow was no ordinary cow, however. This cow could walk both up and down stairs, sit on its hind legs, and tell humorous jokes about the government and Paris Hilton.

This cow is not the main character.

In fact, the cow is barely recognized among the main characters.

But, if you _must_ know, his name is...

.

.

_Melvin_.

Anyways, moving on to the actual main characters...

Tamaki Suoh. A man of both fame and fortune. He also looked very good in women's lingerie. His father's company had recently gone out of business, so he now worked as an employee at the Hot Topic warehouse.

Luckily, him and his lover had already fully paid off the castle, so there weren't any expensive bills.

Speaking of bills... It is now time to introduce the second main character.

Kyoya Ootori. Tamaki's wife. He was stuck at home, paying the bills and doing wife-ish tasks such as cleaning and laundry. He would listen to his husband's rants on how great his day was or how bad his day was. As is the life of a stereotypical housewife.

At the moment, the two share a dinner table. This dinner table does not fly, does not have robotic technology, and does not play the Beatles song you have sex to in your car when you sit down at it.

It is a normal table.

On the left side sits Kyoya, wearing his apron with the words "KISS ME, I'M RICH" printed on it. He sat, cutting his porkchops.

Opposite him sat Tamaki, who had just come back from a long, hard day of supplying teenie-boppers with band t-shirts and tight pants and whatnot.

Casually, Kyoya opened conversation. "So, Daddy, how was work?"

"Well Mommy," Tamaki replied, thankful the other had finally asked him that question because he does not enjoy sitting in silence (he much prefers raping everyone's ears with nonsense, but thinks it's rude to talk out of turn). "I hear talk that Tom may get fired."

"Oh?" Kyoya replied after taking a bite of his porkchop. "Why is that?"

"Moo," said the cow, Melvin, as he took a seat at the table and began eating his well-prepared steak. Medium-well. Just as the ladies liked it.

"I _hear_," Tamaki said, leaning in and cupping his mouth as if he was telling a secret. "He was caught having an affair with the boss's wife."

"Oh my, that's no good at all," Melvin said in cow-language. He was ignored.

"That's hardly a logical reason to fire someone," Kyoya replied. "After all, it doesn't apply directly to the job."

Tamaki shrugged. "He was already on a bad streak." Kyoya nodded in understanding.

The two sat in silence for some time.

Just before Kyoya forgot the topic, Tamaki spoke up in a hushed tone, "Speaking of affairs..."

"No Tamaki."

"We've been married for years!" pressed Tamaki. "All I want is a child and to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. When are we going to have children? We never do it anymore! Daddy wants to be a daddy!"

"That's because someone won't get an erection," Kyoya replied in monotone.

"That's because you're hardly pleasant in bed anymore."

"If you want a child," Kyoya snapped, glaring. "You got to _work_ with this jelly."

Tamaki's stomach grumbled. "If you keep saying stuff like that, you're going to give me the _opposite_ of an erection."

At this time the sky was pink from the setting sun. The dimmed light shaded the trees and made Kyoya's eyes sparkle. Ah, the sky. The magenta-tone it had taken on surely clashed with Kyoya's generally dark appearance. Then again, it also made him stand out. Like a bit of darkness in the world that refused to go away. It was like a piece of art. True beauty, but at the same time it resembled pain.

What a magnificent sunset.

"So, how is Mori's chicken farm going along?" Kyoya asked, changing the subject from the crude topic.

"...Mori has a chicken farm?"

"...Yes, he started it when Honey decided to go into the CIA. He was lonely or something."

"Woah, woah! Honey is in the CIA?"

"...You didn't pay any attention at the reunion, did you?"

"Haruhi sure looked beautiful in that dress. Renge's a lucky man." Kyoya looked at him from across the long _non flying_ table, wishing he could hit him upside the head.

Then again, domestic abuse - no matter if it's the wife or the husband who is getting beat or beating the other - is _wrong_. Aren't you supposed to love the one you marry? Often times, Kyoya dreamt such a dream. Although, in those dreams, it usually involved vikings and fire. Not a dinner table. Much less an average _non flying_ dinner table such as this.  
And really, this is wrong. If you marry someone, you're not supposed to want to cause them pain! That's what love is! Doing whatever you can for a person to make sure they _don't_ get hurt!

Chickens reminded Tamaki of animals. And animals reminded Tamaki of Antoinette, and not of a rock. Because if chickens reminded him of rocks, or animals reminded him of stones, then he was a messed up douche bag who enjoyed beating chickens and/or animals with rocks. Probably.

It could also mean that he had been watching too much Gossip Girl.

But he had only seen it once. He swore.

"Have you fed Antoinette?" Tamaki asked his life partner.

The dark-haired man looked at him as if _he_ was the insane one. As if _he_ was the one who spoke in monotone. As if _he_ video-taped lesbians for money. As if _he_ forgot to feed Antoinette. As if _he_ once tried to sell himself on the streets just to make some extra cash.

"...Tamaki... Antoinette died two weeks ago."

"Wh..Wha...What?" he exclaimed. "Why did no one inform me of this?"

"We had the funeral last week. You were _there_."

Tamaki suddenly remembered it all. Remembered the _pain_, remembered trying to forget and succeeding! He would have to forget again to ease his pain. How do I forget? How does one remember how to forget?

It all started with Jingle Bells. Rocking back and forth in his chair. Tamaki then began to sing Jolly Ol' Saint Nick.

Kyoya wiped his face with his handkerchief.

This was twice now that Tamaki had remembered that he had forgotten how to remember how to forget. And Kyoya could handle it no longer. Slamming his hand on the table, he rose.

He began to walk away. Away from the boring _non flying_ table. Away from the **ex** love of his life. Away from his hopes and dreams. And to the front door.

Tamaki stood up after him, his head low. "Kyoya," he whispered in the silence that was only interrupted by the sound of Melvin's chewing (it was quite an excellent steak). He finally looked up at the man frozen in the doorway with sad purple eyes. This was it. The final opportunity.

It was _this_ moment or millions of moments alone.

"You...," he said, quietly. Only loud enough for Kyoya to barely hear him. "...Forgot your wallet."

Kyoya smiled. "You _do _care. And this, Daddy, is why I fell for you."

The Smurf's blasting on the TV in the background, the two embraced. This was love.

Love was the embrace of another that made you feel completely safe. Love was the look in his eyes. Love was the delicious porkchops that were handled so delicately, just so they would taste good.

Many couples across the world often forget what love is and that is why, over the years, it has been corrupted. It has been made out to be buying someone millions of presents and liking their father.

No. That is not love.

Love is when, as you're about to walk out on someone, they tell you that you forgot your wallet.

Yes.


End file.
